Funeral Cortege Etiquette

Let’s talk RESPECT! Let’s talk ETIQUETTE. Let us talk about my biggest pet peeve. 
HOW TO ACT WHEN A FUNERAL CORTEGE DRIVES BY

I am regularly appalled and disgruntled when I drive the hearse or family car in a cortege, or even today as a cortege went by when I was driving my personal car. 

When there are cars or motorcycles with lights and sirens going followed by a hearse, often a limo or two and then a line of cars, THAT is a group of mourners driving to the grave of someone they have loved and lost. 

Let’s let that sink in. The person in the hearse has died. The people in the cars following are in mourning.

The way that people drive around emergency vehicles and funeral corteges makes me want to yell profanities and recite many hexes. Fortunately, I’m not really that kind of person and I would never exhibit such hostility in front of a family. However, I have had a few family members that were riding in the limo loudly express their opinion of peoples disregard for their grief.

Here’s what NOT to do:

-DO NOT cut off ANYONE in the procession and pull into the line of cars. You can tell who is a part of the procession because they will have their four-way blinkers on.

While driving on a major highway, going just about 10 mph under the speed limit, I thought I was about to witness the death of a couple motorcycle friends. I was driving the coach with the widow and the deceased as we were escorted by about 12 motorcycles. These were military escorts, with sirens, lights and several flags. There was no mistaking that we were all together and that we were driving to a cemetery. There was also NO line of cars behind the coach. I watched (almost as if in slow motion) a giant, red Ford truck impatiently pull onto the highway right into my motorcycle escorts. Four of the motorcycles had to swerve into a, thankfully empty, left lane in order to not get hit! If there would have been cars in the left lane we would have had an even more traumatic situation to deal with.

-DO NOT honk your horn

-DO NOT pass the cortege on the right side unless all of the vehicles of the procession are in the farthest left lane.

-DO NOT turn your car onto an off street (to avoid waiting your turn) in front of any car in the procession, ESPCIALLY the police car.

I had a car turn abruptly, after the police escort and in front of the hearse that I was driving. She was inches away from taking out my bumper. I had to slam on the brake. If you have never driven a hearse….slamming on the break is not something we like to do, especially with a casket in the back!

-DO NOT enter an intersection if the procession is proceeding through a red light, even if your signal is green.

-DO NOT walk out into the street, as a pedestrian. Wait your turn.

-DO NOT yell at or throw things at the procession. 

I can’t believe I even have to list that!

Here is what you CAN do:

-DO slow down and pull to the side of the road as the procession passes you, even if you are driving in the opposite direction. 

The cars/motorcycles that are escorting are highly trained but have a challenging job. They are entrusted to get a large number of cars safely to a cemetery. Sometimes it is necessary to drive down small or crowded streets or highways. The company that I use and trust has a system that tends to require them to drive on shoulders or medians/turn lanes of the road. They know what they are doing. Don’t get in the way or make their job more difficult or dangerous.

-DO feel free to salute, bow your head or put your hand over your heart if you are a witnessing pedestrian. The family will see and appreciate this sign of respect.

-DO stay out of it. It’s not your funeral, yet.

Bringing Death Home

I’ve been very privileged recently, to be welcomed into a community of out of the box death aficionados.
A few are self-proclaimed Death Mongers.  (A word I’ve decided to adopt, as well, because how awesome does that sound? It comes with my own “No Regrets” skull sticker for my car.)
These are people who have in some way been involved in the dying process of others. They are hospice nurses, funeral doulas and home funeral advocates. These are people in my area who are already out there doing what I want to – creating positive death events and educating the populous. Fortunately, they too decided it would behoove of them to bring me in as part of their team.  

This afternoon I will be sitting in on a Death Café they are hosting. (Stay tuned for a death café post)
Two weeks ago, I joined them for the Conversations On Death monthly meeting and will be assisting in their Annual Conversations on Death Conference.
Yesterday, I was a guest at the Natural Transitions Death Care Training. This is what I want to focus my writings on today.

* * *

Bringing Death Home: Family-led Green After-Death Care

http://www.naturaltransitions.org/nt-services/training/

A four hour long course on caring for our dead in the home with
additional information on green funerals.

We covered legalities such as notifying the coroner and how to file a death certificate. We also covered what rights the Next of Kin has when caring for their deceased loved one. For example, in Colorado, the (non-privately or church owned) hospitals aren’t legally required to only release a body to a funeral home. They can, in fact, release to family. The family can file the death certificate and can legally keep their loved one in their home for vigil.
It is important to know that legally in Colorado:

• ·        A certificate of death needs to be signed by a doctor or coroner within 48 hours
• ·         A coroner needs to be notified of the death within 12 hours
• ·         A body needs to be embalmed or on ice after 24 hours

For laws in your state you can visit www.funerals.org The Funeral Consumers Alliance site

We also covered the importance of planning a home funeral ahead of time. The trend seems to be that families that make a last minute decision after their loved one has died are not as prepared emotionally or materially for the task of caring for the body. Planning ahead (for ALL/ANY funeral arrangements) is always the best way to go. 

We discussed ways to make the home funeral (or even a funeral through a mortuary) more personal.  Some of the ideas were:

• ·         Having the family decorate the cardboard casket with paint, stickers etc.
• ·         Keeping family busy during a helpless time by creating meaningful art, like paper cranes, photo albums, quilts, shrouds, decorative urns and even caskets.
• ·         Playing music that was the deceased’s favorite.
• ·         Using aromatherapy scents
• ·         Wood burned caskets

My favorite part was the hands-on portion. We moved the chairs to the side and set up a massage table and laid out a cardboard casket lined with a comforter. I was then voluntold to be the deceased. We opened up the room as sacred space, setting intention (“We are here together to honor the life and the body of MorticianGirl”) lit candles, rang bells and a poem was read as they instructed how to bathe the body.  Once we expressed the importance of making the care of the deceased a ceremony, I brought out my “oh so subtle” funeral director’s sense of humor. I had a surprisingly great time playing dead while they changed the sheets under me and dressed me.  I gave a few helpful hints that I use as a director but mostly I went limp and enjoyed giving them as hard of time as some people give me. Getting someone dressed is not always the easiest thing. Sometimes they just don’t work with you. They tied a scarf under my jaw and around my head to keep my mouth shut and they put an eye pillow on to keep my eyelids shut. Then they teamed up to get me into the casket. Once safely there (thank goodness) they covered me in veils and blankets and flowers.

***

It was an interesting perspective being a funeral director (even with a very open mind) in a room full of people discussing an option to funerals that essentially eliminates my field. Granted, not everyone is willing or able to have a home funeral. There will always be people that prefer the involvement of my industry.  In spite of this, I quite enjoyed the motivation of the people in the room. They genuinely wanted to be involved in the funeral process of their loved ones. I realized that I want the same thing for my family. I want to be actively involved in the care of my loved ones and I want them to be involved in my care (if they’re able). I truly believe that bringing death closer home and being more involved will begin to shift the perspective of death. It will begin to pull away the veils of fear that we have been taught. I hope that the funeral industry and the home funeral advocates will learn to create a partnership. There is information that we have and strategies, tricks we use that can be of benefit to home care.  For example, I wouldn’t want any grieving person to have to take on the task of filing a Death Certificate and it’s not necessary to fight with an uncooperative hospital when you can have a funeral director bring your loved one home without any extra stress to the family. 

***

Resources-

-Conversation on Death-
www.conversationsondeath.org

-Crestone End of Life Project in Colorado -
www.crestone-end-of-life.org

-The Conversation Project-
www.theconversationproject.org/

-Natural Transitions-
www.naturaltransitions.org

-National Home Funeral Association-
www.homefuneralalliance.org

-Sacred Dying Foundation-
www.sacreddying.org

-Funeral Ethics Organization-
www.funeralethics.org

Green Conservation Cemeteries-

Greensprings Natural Cemetery Preserve Newfield, New York
www.naturalburial.org

White Eagle Natural Preserve Cemetery
Goldendale, Washington
www.naturalburialground.org

Town of Crestone’s Green Cemetery
Crestone, Colorado
www.townofcrestone.org/green_cemetery

Reading List

Sacred Dying: Creating Rituals for Embracing the End of Life
by Megory Anderson

The Perfect Stranger’s Guide to Funeral & Grieving Practices
by Stuart M. Matlins

Final Rights: Reclaiming the American Way of Death
by Joshua Slocum & Lisa Carlson

Films

A Family Undertaking
Available on Netflix

Passing through our hands training video
www.passingthroughourhands.com

Like Family...

A Mortuary Sci. Professor of mine said at the beginning of their class that "One does not get into the Funeral Industry if they are in need of constant validation and praise. This is a Caregivers profession." 

While I can certainly understand what the Professor was saying, I must express my disagreement. It is very true that I am not praised every single day by my families. Death doesn't always bring out the best in people, so they get angry or they fight and they don't thank their Director. That's ok with me. I don't take it personally. 

It is also true that those of us who are good at our job as a Director, do this because we want to help people for them and not for the recognition. I do my job to help families and it is a Caregiving profession.

That being said, the gratitude that is expressed to me by the families I serve is overwhelming.

I create a bond with my families that is unlike anything I can create elsewhere.  These are people I may never see again but they have changed my life and I have changed theirs. I know the dynamics of their family, I have seen them laugh and cry and have heard stories of their loved ones that no one has told for 30 years.

I feel like I am validated simply by the deep appreciation of the family. I am thanked regularly and I am greatly honored. I am honored that I have been briefly let into the lives of amazing people I would have otherwise never met. 

There is no better feeling than knowing that something that I did eased an indescribable pain. The families I work with can tell that about me. They know how much I care, how I treat each person as though they were my own flesh and blood. (Maybe ‘flesh and blood’ is a bad choice of words but you understand)

When you are searching for a Funeral Director please understand that there are so very many of us and that it is important to find one who fits your family. You will have an easier time, even possibly a positive experience, working with a Director that you are comfortable with.  You don’t have to leave the Funeral Home with a new best friend but having a Director who can comfort and understand you is important.

I will happily meet any person who is looking for a Funeral home (for themselves or their loved one) for a coffee. At that point we can see if we fit, if together we can create a ceremony, a celebration and a safe space to remember the person who has passed. Funerals are for the deceased but the experience is to help those left behind swim through their grief. That is easier done with a Director who can become a part of your family for a time. Find a Director you feel comfortable with. I can’t express that enough.

I am honored to work with the families I do. When they hug me and tell me “You have found your calling” I know they are right. That hug or look in their eyes before they leave after the final service, is more of an expression of gratitude than I could ever ask for.

10 Ways To Be A Part Of The Ceremony

There are so many topics I would like to discuss but I’ve got to start somewhere.  Since there isn’t really a beginning, let us start here:

There are many steps that come about after a death has occurred that families don’t know about. Families can participate in many of these steps which may help to aid in healing and closure. The problem is that most people have no idea what they are. If your Director doesn’t tell you about them, ASK! Ask to be a part of the ceremony. 

Death is a transition and with each transition there should be ceremony. America’s culture has grown away from ceremony, especially in death. Unlike in the early 1900’s and before, people today are not confronted by the death of those close to them very often. While we are all thankful of this, it takes away some of the ceremony and knowledge about death. It creates fear and hesitation. So with that in mind, here are some things to remember if you find yourself in the unfortunate situation of losing a loved one:

1: Regardless of where your loved one passes, you can help the Director CARRY YOUR LOVED ONE OUT of the home or assisted living center. If you would like to help push the cot or carry your loved one down stairs, do it!  
2: Once your loved one is on the cot and before your loved one is taken out of the home or facility, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE THE ONE TO COVER THEIR FACE. If you need it, take another few minutes with them.
3: If you feel comfortable washing and dressing your loved one TELL THE DIRECTOR. They should be able to place your loved one on what is called a dressing table and provide you with gloves, water, soap and towels. I do suggest that you allow/request your Director to be present for this process. We have tricks to make the dressing process easier and can answer any questions that may arise during the ceremony of caring for your loved one.
4: In most states you may KEEP YOUR LOVED ONE IN YOUR HOME.  Make sure to inform your Director of the death, from here there are two options. First, we can bring dry ice to your home, help moved your loved one into bed and place several blocks of ice under their torso and legs. The ice will have to be changed as it evaporates. --Do not do this on your own, ask for help. We’re educated on how to handle this situation.-- Second, let your Director take your loved one into their care and do an embalming. They will then bring your loved one back to you, usually in a casket. However, after three days at most, allow your loved one to move on, have your Director take them back into their care for a burial or cremation.
5: You can be in MOST Funeral Home facilities as your loved one is being embalmed. You won’t be allowed in the embalming rooms (for many health and legal reasons) but if you want to be outside the door or down the hall then express that need to your Director.
6: You don’t have to have a religious leader officiate the funeral. YOUR FAMILY CAN DO IT. Discuss with your Director the best way to keep the service organized and get some ideas but it can be totally up to you.
7: YOU CAN LOCK THE CASKET. Higher-end or thicker gauge caskets have a seal and a lock. You can help close the casket and then lock it.
8: YOU CAN WATCH THE BEGINNING OF THE CREMATION PROCESS. If you would like to be with your loved one for the ceremony that is cremation, it’s your right. You can even help place them into the retort and press start. 
9: YOU CAN WATCH THE CASKET BEING LOWERED INTO THE GROUND. Most cemeteries prefer that all of the funeral attendants aren’t present to watch the casket being lowered however, as family, it is your right. You can stay at the cemetery and watch the grave filled, you can even fill the grave yourself. Make sure to tell your Director about this wish BEFORE the day of the service. --This does not apply to National Military Cemeteries.--
10. You can CREMATE PHOTOS, LETTERS, and BLANKETS ETC. WITH YOUR LOVED ONE. Essentially anything that is noncombustible or made of metal can be sent with your loved one. This includes food, stuffed animals, wallets, shoes, sports balls, letters, and money….anything that means something to you or your loved one.

I’m sure some of these things might not be your cup of tea, maybe you think they are outrageous suggestions, if so they are not necessarily suggestions for you. For some people this might be something their soul tells them they need to do. I, for one, would have to do most of these things for any of my loved ones should they die before me. 

Death is a sacred transition that means something different to everyone, whether you are religious or not, there is still a process of grief to struggle through, let these ideas and your Director assist you in creating ceremony.

About the name MorticianGirl

Mortician Girl was not a name made up for blogger use. I didn’t come up with it on the spot because I needed a catchy Facebook title for my new persona.  This name came about while I was in school for my Mortuary Science degree and became pretty permanent by the time I had been hired on as a full-fledged Director.

I was raised with a healthy dose of Disney and Superheroes and much of my personality has been affected by that. Besides a desperate desire to be Jasmine, I also am a fan of the entire basis that superheroes are derived from. I view people in my life who have made a major difference in the world and who are always around when needed as being my own personal superheroes. The Morticians who are a part of DMORT (Disaster Mortuary Operational Response Team) are, in my eyes, superheroes – real ones. I have every intention of joining that team one day. I have every desire to be someone’s superhero. During a discussion about DMORT my partner and I decided that my Superhero identity would be MorticianGirl! 




Learn more about DMORT here

Mortician's Appreciation Day

March 11 is National Funeral Director and Mortician's Appreciation Day. What better date is there to actually start up my Mortician Girl blog? I've only been playing with this idea for several months. I go back and forth wondering if I have enough to say or if it's ethical to tell the stories I want to. I've decided that I have many things rolling around in my head that I would like to share with the world. In America, we live holding steadfast to the idea that we will never age or die.(I, in fact, know that I will die but am convinced that I will be among the generation that figures out how to fight the aging process.) This leaves people feeling that talking about death is a taboo. Well, for all taboos, death included, take comfort in the thought that the internet exists. Nothing is taboo on the World Wide Web. So, with that in mind, I am about to create another place to offer an open forum of thought and discussion about death.

Hello. I am Mortician Girl. I am a young female Funeral Director in the Midwest of the United States. I have things to say, opinions to spout out, etiquette to teach, history to explore, links to share and information to expand on. I would like to give a new face to today's Mortician. We are no longer grumpy, tall, old men in top hats. I am young and cheery and extremely feminine. I am Mortician Girl. Welcome to my blog.