There are so many topics I would like to discuss but I’ve
got to start somewhere. Since there isn’t
really a beginning, let us start here:
There are many steps that come about after a death has occurred that families don’t know about. Families can participate in many of these steps which may help to aid in healing and closure. The problem is that most people have no idea what they are. If your Director doesn’t tell you about them, ASK! Ask to be a part of the ceremony.
Death is a transition and with each transition there should be ceremony. America’s culture has grown away from ceremony, especially in death. Unlike in the early 1900’s and before, people today are not confronted by the death of those close to them very often. While we are all thankful of this, it takes away some of the ceremony and knowledge about death. It creates fear and hesitation. So with that in mind, here are some things to remember if you find yourself in the unfortunate situation of losing a loved one:
1: Regardless of where your loved one passes, you can help the Director CARRY YOUR LOVED ONE OUT of the home or assisted living center. If you would like to help push the cot or carry your loved one down stairs, do it!
2: Once your loved one is on the cot and before your loved one is taken out of the home or facility, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE THE ONE TO COVER THEIR FACE. If you need it, take another few minutes with them.
3: If you feel comfortable washing and dressing your loved one TELL THE DIRECTOR. They should be able to place your loved one on what is called a dressing table and provide you with gloves, water, soap and towels. I do suggest that you allow/request your Director to be present for this process. We have tricks to make the dressing process easier and can answer any questions that may arise during the ceremony of caring for your loved one.
4: In most states you may KEEP YOUR LOVED ONE IN YOUR HOME. Make sure to inform your Director of the death, from here there are two options. First, we can bring dry ice to your home, help moved your loved one into bed and place several blocks of ice under their torso and legs. The ice will have to be changed as it evaporates. --Do not do this on your own, ask for help. We’re educated on how to handle this situation.-- Second, let your Director take your loved one into their care and do an embalming. They will then bring your loved one back to you, usually in a casket. However, after three days at most, allow your loved one to move on, have your Director take them back into their care for a burial or cremation.
5: You can be in MOST Funeral Home facilities as your loved one is being embalmed. You won’t be allowed in the embalming rooms (for many health and legal reasons) but if you want to be outside the door or down the hall then express that need to your Director.
6: You don’t have to have a religious leader officiate the funeral. YOUR FAMILY CAN DO IT. Discuss with your Director the best way to keep the service organized and get some ideas but it can be totally up to you.
7: YOU CAN LOCK THE CASKET. Higher-end or thicker gauge caskets have a seal and a lock. You can help close the casket and then lock it.
8: YOU CAN WATCH THE BEGINNING OF THE CREMATION PROCESS. If you would like to be with your loved one for the ceremony that is cremation, it’s your right. You can even help place them into the retort and press start.
9: YOU CAN WATCH THE CASKET BEING LOWERED INTO THE GROUND. Most cemeteries prefer that all of the funeral attendants aren’t present to watch the casket being lowered however, as family, it is your right. You can stay at the cemetery and watch the grave filled, you can even fill the grave yourself. Make sure to tell your Director about this wish BEFORE the day of the service. --This does not apply to National Military Cemeteries.--
10. You can CREMATE PHOTOS, LETTERS, and BLANKETS ETC. WITH YOUR LOVED ONE. Essentially anything that is noncombustible or made of metal can be sent with your loved one. This includes food, stuffed animals, wallets, shoes, sports balls, letters, and money….anything that means something to you or your loved one.
I’m sure some of these things might not be your cup of tea, maybe you think they are outrageous suggestions, if so they are not necessarily suggestions for you. For some people this might be something their soul tells them they need to do. I, for one, would have to do most of these things for any of my loved ones should they die before me.
Death is a sacred transition that means something different to everyone, whether you are religious or not, there is still a process of grief to struggle through, let these ideas and your Director assist you in creating ceremony.
