Funeral Cortege Etiquette

Let’s talk RESPECT! Let’s talk ETIQUETTE. Let us talk about my biggest pet peeve. 
HOW TO ACT WHEN A FUNERAL CORTEGE DRIVES BY

I am regularly appalled and disgruntled when I drive the hearse or family car in a cortege, or even today as a cortege went by when I was driving my personal car. 

When there are cars or motorcycles with lights and sirens going followed by a hearse, often a limo or two and then a line of cars, THAT is a group of mourners driving to the grave of someone they have loved and lost. 

Let’s let that sink in. The person in the hearse has died. The people in the cars following are in mourning.

The way that people drive around emergency vehicles and funeral corteges makes me want to yell profanities and recite many hexes. Fortunately, I’m not really that kind of person and I would never exhibit such hostility in front of a family. However, I have had a few family members that were riding in the limo loudly express their opinion of peoples disregard for their grief.

Here’s what NOT to do:

-DO NOT cut off ANYONE in the procession and pull into the line of cars. You can tell who is a part of the procession because they will have their four-way blinkers on.

While driving on a major highway, going just about 10 mph under the speed limit, I thought I was about to witness the death of a couple motorcycle friends. I was driving the coach with the widow and the deceased as we were escorted by about 12 motorcycles. These were military escorts, with sirens, lights and several flags. There was no mistaking that we were all together and that we were driving to a cemetery. There was also NO line of cars behind the coach. I watched (almost as if in slow motion) a giant, red Ford truck impatiently pull onto the highway right into my motorcycle escorts. Four of the motorcycles had to swerve into a, thankfully empty, left lane in order to not get hit! If there would have been cars in the left lane we would have had an even more traumatic situation to deal with.

-DO NOT honk your horn

-DO NOT pass the cortege on the right side unless all of the vehicles of the procession are in the farthest left lane.

-DO NOT turn your car onto an off street (to avoid waiting your turn) in front of any car in the procession, ESPCIALLY the police car.

I had a car turn abruptly, after the police escort and in front of the hearse that I was driving. She was inches away from taking out my bumper. I had to slam on the brake. If you have never driven a hearse….slamming on the break is not something we like to do, especially with a casket in the back!

-DO NOT enter an intersection if the procession is proceeding through a red light, even if your signal is green.

-DO NOT walk out into the street, as a pedestrian. Wait your turn.

-DO NOT yell at or throw things at the procession. 

I can’t believe I even have to list that!

Here is what you CAN do:

-DO slow down and pull to the side of the road as the procession passes you, even if you are driving in the opposite direction. 

The cars/motorcycles that are escorting are highly trained but have a challenging job. They are entrusted to get a large number of cars safely to a cemetery. Sometimes it is necessary to drive down small or crowded streets or highways. The company that I use and trust has a system that tends to require them to drive on shoulders or medians/turn lanes of the road. They know what they are doing. Don’t get in the way or make their job more difficult or dangerous.

-DO feel free to salute, bow your head or put your hand over your heart if you are a witnessing pedestrian. The family will see and appreciate this sign of respect.

-DO stay out of it. It’s not your funeral, yet.

Bringing Death Home

I’ve been very privileged recently, to be welcomed into a community of out of the box death aficionados.
A few are self-proclaimed Death Mongers.  (A word I’ve decided to adopt, as well, because how awesome does that sound? It comes with my own “No Regrets” skull sticker for my car.)
These are people who have in some way been involved in the dying process of others. They are hospice nurses, funeral doulas and home funeral advocates. These are people in my area who are already out there doing what I want to – creating positive death events and educating the populous. Fortunately, they too decided it would behoove of them to bring me in as part of their team.  

This afternoon I will be sitting in on a Death Café they are hosting. (Stay tuned for a death café post)
Two weeks ago, I joined them for the Conversations On Death monthly meeting and will be assisting in their Annual Conversations on Death Conference.
Yesterday, I was a guest at the Natural Transitions Death Care Training. This is what I want to focus my writings on today.

* * *

Bringing Death Home: Family-led Green After-Death Care

http://www.naturaltransitions.org/nt-services/training/

A four hour long course on caring for our dead in the home with
additional information on green funerals.

We covered legalities such as notifying the coroner and how to file a death certificate. We also covered what rights the Next of Kin has when caring for their deceased loved one. For example, in Colorado, the (non-privately or church owned) hospitals aren’t legally required to only release a body to a funeral home. They can, in fact, release to family. The family can file the death certificate and can legally keep their loved one in their home for vigil.
It is important to know that legally in Colorado:

• ·        A certificate of death needs to be signed by a doctor or coroner within 48 hours
• ·         A coroner needs to be notified of the death within 12 hours
• ·         A body needs to be embalmed or on ice after 24 hours

For laws in your state you can visit www.funerals.org The Funeral Consumers Alliance site

We also covered the importance of planning a home funeral ahead of time. The trend seems to be that families that make a last minute decision after their loved one has died are not as prepared emotionally or materially for the task of caring for the body. Planning ahead (for ALL/ANY funeral arrangements) is always the best way to go. 

We discussed ways to make the home funeral (or even a funeral through a mortuary) more personal.  Some of the ideas were:

• ·         Having the family decorate the cardboard casket with paint, stickers etc.
• ·         Keeping family busy during a helpless time by creating meaningful art, like paper cranes, photo albums, quilts, shrouds, decorative urns and even caskets.
• ·         Playing music that was the deceased’s favorite.
• ·         Using aromatherapy scents
• ·         Wood burned caskets

My favorite part was the hands-on portion. We moved the chairs to the side and set up a massage table and laid out a cardboard casket lined with a comforter. I was then voluntold to be the deceased. We opened up the room as sacred space, setting intention (“We are here together to honor the life and the body of MorticianGirl”) lit candles, rang bells and a poem was read as they instructed how to bathe the body.  Once we expressed the importance of making the care of the deceased a ceremony, I brought out my “oh so subtle” funeral director’s sense of humor. I had a surprisingly great time playing dead while they changed the sheets under me and dressed me.  I gave a few helpful hints that I use as a director but mostly I went limp and enjoyed giving them as hard of time as some people give me. Getting someone dressed is not always the easiest thing. Sometimes they just don’t work with you. They tied a scarf under my jaw and around my head to keep my mouth shut and they put an eye pillow on to keep my eyelids shut. Then they teamed up to get me into the casket. Once safely there (thank goodness) they covered me in veils and blankets and flowers.

***

It was an interesting perspective being a funeral director (even with a very open mind) in a room full of people discussing an option to funerals that essentially eliminates my field. Granted, not everyone is willing or able to have a home funeral. There will always be people that prefer the involvement of my industry.  In spite of this, I quite enjoyed the motivation of the people in the room. They genuinely wanted to be involved in the funeral process of their loved ones. I realized that I want the same thing for my family. I want to be actively involved in the care of my loved ones and I want them to be involved in my care (if they’re able). I truly believe that bringing death closer home and being more involved will begin to shift the perspective of death. It will begin to pull away the veils of fear that we have been taught. I hope that the funeral industry and the home funeral advocates will learn to create a partnership. There is information that we have and strategies, tricks we use that can be of benefit to home care.  For example, I wouldn’t want any grieving person to have to take on the task of filing a Death Certificate and it’s not necessary to fight with an uncooperative hospital when you can have a funeral director bring your loved one home without any extra stress to the family. 

***

Resources-

-Conversation on Death-
www.conversationsondeath.org

-Crestone End of Life Project in Colorado -
www.crestone-end-of-life.org

-The Conversation Project-
www.theconversationproject.org/

-Natural Transitions-
www.naturaltransitions.org

-National Home Funeral Association-
www.homefuneralalliance.org

-Sacred Dying Foundation-
www.sacreddying.org

-Funeral Ethics Organization-
www.funeralethics.org

Green Conservation Cemeteries-

Greensprings Natural Cemetery Preserve Newfield, New York
www.naturalburial.org

White Eagle Natural Preserve Cemetery
Goldendale, Washington
www.naturalburialground.org

Town of Crestone’s Green Cemetery
Crestone, Colorado
www.townofcrestone.org/green_cemetery

Reading List

Sacred Dying: Creating Rituals for Embracing the End of Life
by Megory Anderson

The Perfect Stranger’s Guide to Funeral & Grieving Practices
by Stuart M. Matlins

Final Rights: Reclaiming the American Way of Death
by Joshua Slocum & Lisa Carlson

Films

A Family Undertaking
Available on Netflix

Passing through our hands training video
www.passingthroughourhands.com