Like Family...

A Mortuary Sci. Professor of mine said at the beginning of their class that "One does not get into the Funeral Industry if they are in need of constant validation and praise. This is a Caregivers profession." 

While I can certainly understand what the Professor was saying, I must express my disagreement. It is very true that I am not praised every single day by my families. Death doesn't always bring out the best in people, so they get angry or they fight and they don't thank their Director. That's ok with me. I don't take it personally. 

It is also true that those of us who are good at our job as a Director, do this because we want to help people for them and not for the recognition. I do my job to help families and it is a Caregiving profession.

That being said, the gratitude that is expressed to me by the families I serve is overwhelming.

I create a bond with my families that is unlike anything I can create elsewhere.  These are people I may never see again but they have changed my life and I have changed theirs. I know the dynamics of their family, I have seen them laugh and cry and have heard stories of their loved ones that no one has told for 30 years.

I feel like I am validated simply by the deep appreciation of the family. I am thanked regularly and I am greatly honored. I am honored that I have been briefly let into the lives of amazing people I would have otherwise never met. 

There is no better feeling than knowing that something that I did eased an indescribable pain. The families I work with can tell that about me. They know how much I care, how I treat each person as though they were my own flesh and blood. (Maybe ‘flesh and blood’ is a bad choice of words but you understand)

When you are searching for a Funeral Director please understand that there are so very many of us and that it is important to find one who fits your family. You will have an easier time, even possibly a positive experience, working with a Director that you are comfortable with.  You don’t have to leave the Funeral Home with a new best friend but having a Director who can comfort and understand you is important.

I will happily meet any person who is looking for a Funeral home (for themselves or their loved one) for a coffee. At that point we can see if we fit, if together we can create a ceremony, a celebration and a safe space to remember the person who has passed. Funerals are for the deceased but the experience is to help those left behind swim through their grief. That is easier done with a Director who can become a part of your family for a time. Find a Director you feel comfortable with. I can’t express that enough.

I am honored to work with the families I do. When they hug me and tell me “You have found your calling” I know they are right. That hug or look in their eyes before they leave after the final service, is more of an expression of gratitude than I could ever ask for.

10 Ways To Be A Part Of The Ceremony

There are so many topics I would like to discuss but I’ve got to start somewhere.  Since there isn’t really a beginning, let us start here:

There are many steps that come about after a death has occurred that families don’t know about. Families can participate in many of these steps which may help to aid in healing and closure. The problem is that most people have no idea what they are. If your Director doesn’t tell you about them, ASK! Ask to be a part of the ceremony. 

Death is a transition and with each transition there should be ceremony. America’s culture has grown away from ceremony, especially in death. Unlike in the early 1900’s and before, people today are not confronted by the death of those close to them very often. While we are all thankful of this, it takes away some of the ceremony and knowledge about death. It creates fear and hesitation. So with that in mind, here are some things to remember if you find yourself in the unfortunate situation of losing a loved one:

1: Regardless of where your loved one passes, you can help the Director CARRY YOUR LOVED ONE OUT of the home or assisted living center. If you would like to help push the cot or carry your loved one down stairs, do it!  
2: Once your loved one is on the cot and before your loved one is taken out of the home or facility, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE THE ONE TO COVER THEIR FACE. If you need it, take another few minutes with them.
3: If you feel comfortable washing and dressing your loved one TELL THE DIRECTOR. They should be able to place your loved one on what is called a dressing table and provide you with gloves, water, soap and towels. I do suggest that you allow/request your Director to be present for this process. We have tricks to make the dressing process easier and can answer any questions that may arise during the ceremony of caring for your loved one.
4: In most states you may KEEP YOUR LOVED ONE IN YOUR HOME.  Make sure to inform your Director of the death, from here there are two options. First, we can bring dry ice to your home, help moved your loved one into bed and place several blocks of ice under their torso and legs. The ice will have to be changed as it evaporates. --Do not do this on your own, ask for help. We’re educated on how to handle this situation.-- Second, let your Director take your loved one into their care and do an embalming. They will then bring your loved one back to you, usually in a casket. However, after three days at most, allow your loved one to move on, have your Director take them back into their care for a burial or cremation.
5: You can be in MOST Funeral Home facilities as your loved one is being embalmed. You won’t be allowed in the embalming rooms (for many health and legal reasons) but if you want to be outside the door or down the hall then express that need to your Director.
6: You don’t have to have a religious leader officiate the funeral. YOUR FAMILY CAN DO IT. Discuss with your Director the best way to keep the service organized and get some ideas but it can be totally up to you.
7: YOU CAN LOCK THE CASKET. Higher-end or thicker gauge caskets have a seal and a lock. You can help close the casket and then lock it.
8: YOU CAN WATCH THE BEGINNING OF THE CREMATION PROCESS. If you would like to be with your loved one for the ceremony that is cremation, it’s your right. You can even help place them into the retort and press start. 
9: YOU CAN WATCH THE CASKET BEING LOWERED INTO THE GROUND. Most cemeteries prefer that all of the funeral attendants aren’t present to watch the casket being lowered however, as family, it is your right. You can stay at the cemetery and watch the grave filled, you can even fill the grave yourself. Make sure to tell your Director about this wish BEFORE the day of the service. --This does not apply to National Military Cemeteries.--
10. You can CREMATE PHOTOS, LETTERS, and BLANKETS ETC. WITH YOUR LOVED ONE. Essentially anything that is noncombustible or made of metal can be sent with your loved one. This includes food, stuffed animals, wallets, shoes, sports balls, letters, and money….anything that means something to you or your loved one.

I’m sure some of these things might not be your cup of tea, maybe you think they are outrageous suggestions, if so they are not necessarily suggestions for you. For some people this might be something their soul tells them they need to do. I, for one, would have to do most of these things for any of my loved ones should they die before me. 

Death is a sacred transition that means something different to everyone, whether you are religious or not, there is still a process of grief to struggle through, let these ideas and your Director assist you in creating ceremony.

About the name MorticianGirl

Mortician Girl was not a name made up for blogger use. I didn’t come up with it on the spot because I needed a catchy Facebook title for my new persona.  This name came about while I was in school for my Mortuary Science degree and became pretty permanent by the time I had been hired on as a full-fledged Director.

I was raised with a healthy dose of Disney and Superheroes and much of my personality has been affected by that. Besides a desperate desire to be Jasmine, I also am a fan of the entire basis that superheroes are derived from. I view people in my life who have made a major difference in the world and who are always around when needed as being my own personal superheroes. The Morticians who are a part of DMORT (Disaster Mortuary Operational Response Team) are, in my eyes, superheroes – real ones. I have every intention of joining that team one day. I have every desire to be someone’s superhero. During a discussion about DMORT my partner and I decided that my Superhero identity would be MorticianGirl! 




Learn more about DMORT here

Mortician's Appreciation Day

March 11 is National Funeral Director and Mortician's Appreciation Day. What better date is there to actually start up my Mortician Girl blog? I've only been playing with this idea for several months. I go back and forth wondering if I have enough to say or if it's ethical to tell the stories I want to. I've decided that I have many things rolling around in my head that I would like to share with the world. In America, we live holding steadfast to the idea that we will never age or die.(I, in fact, know that I will die but am convinced that I will be among the generation that figures out how to fight the aging process.) This leaves people feeling that talking about death is a taboo. Well, for all taboos, death included, take comfort in the thought that the internet exists. Nothing is taboo on the World Wide Web. So, with that in mind, I am about to create another place to offer an open forum of thought and discussion about death.

Hello. I am Mortician Girl. I am a young female Funeral Director in the Midwest of the United States. I have things to say, opinions to spout out, etiquette to teach, history to explore, links to share and information to expand on. I would like to give a new face to today's Mortician. We are no longer grumpy, tall, old men in top hats. I am young and cheery and extremely feminine. I am Mortician Girl. Welcome to my blog.