I’ve been very privileged recently, to be welcomed into a
community of out of the box death aficionados.
A few are self-proclaimed Death Mongers. (A word I’ve decided to adopt, as well, because how awesome does that sound? It comes with my own “No Regrets” skull sticker for my car.)
These are people who have in some way been involved in the dying process of others. They are hospice nurses, funeral doulas and home funeral advocates. These are people in my area who are already out there doing what I want to – creating positive death events and educating the populous. Fortunately, they too decided it would behoove of them to bring me in as part of their team.
A few are self-proclaimed Death Mongers. (A word I’ve decided to adopt, as well, because how awesome does that sound? It comes with my own “No Regrets” skull sticker for my car.)
These are people who have in some way been involved in the dying process of others. They are hospice nurses, funeral doulas and home funeral advocates. These are people in my area who are already out there doing what I want to – creating positive death events and educating the populous. Fortunately, they too decided it would behoove of them to bring me in as part of their team.
This afternoon I will be sitting in on a Death Café they are hosting. (Stay tuned
for a death café post)
Two weeks ago, I joined them for the Conversations On Death monthly meeting and will be assisting in their Annual Conversations on Death Conference.
Yesterday, I was a guest at the Natural Transitions Death Care Training. This is what I want to focus my writings on today.
Two weeks ago, I joined them for the Conversations On Death monthly meeting and will be assisting in their Annual Conversations on Death Conference.
Yesterday, I was a guest at the Natural Transitions Death Care Training. This is what I want to focus my writings on today.
* * *
Bringing Death Home: Family-led
Green After-Death Care
A four hour long
course on caring for our dead in the home with
additional information on green funerals.
additional information on green funerals.
We covered legalities such as notifying the coroner and how to file a death certificate. We also covered what rights the Next of Kin has when caring for their deceased loved one. For example, in Colorado, the (non-privately or church owned) hospitals aren’t legally required to only release a body to a funeral home. They can, in fact, release to family. The family can file the death certificate and can legally keep their loved one in their home for vigil.
It is important to know that legally in Colorado:
- · A certificate of death needs to be signed by a doctor or coroner within 48 hours
- · A coroner needs to be notified of the death within 12 hours
- · A body needs to be embalmed or on ice after 24 hours
We also covered the importance of planning a home funeral
ahead of time. The trend seems to be that families that make a last minute
decision after their loved one has died are not as prepared emotionally or
materially for the task of caring for the body. Planning ahead (for ALL/ANY
funeral arrangements) is always the best way to go.
We discussed ways to make the home funeral (or even a
funeral through a mortuary) more personal.
Some of the ideas were:
- · Having the family decorate the cardboard casket with paint, stickers etc.
- · Keeping family busy during a helpless time by creating meaningful art, like paper cranes, photo albums, quilts, shrouds, decorative urns and even caskets.
- · Playing music that was the deceased’s favorite.
- · Using aromatherapy scents
- · Wood burned caskets
My favorite part was the hands-on portion. We moved the
chairs to the side and set up a massage table and laid out a cardboard casket
lined with a comforter. I was then voluntold to be the deceased. We opened up
the room as sacred space, setting intention (“We are here together to honor the
life and the body of MorticianGirl”) lit candles, rang bells and a poem was
read as they instructed how to bathe the body.
Once we expressed the importance of making the care of the deceased a
ceremony, I brought out my “oh so subtle” funeral director’s sense of humor. I
had a surprisingly great time playing dead while they changed the sheets under
me and dressed me. I gave a few helpful
hints that I use as a director but mostly I went limp and enjoyed giving them
as hard of time as some people give me. Getting someone dressed is not always
the easiest thing. Sometimes they just don’t work with you. They tied a scarf
under my jaw and around my head to keep my mouth shut and they put an eye
pillow on to keep my eyelids shut. Then they teamed up to get me into the
casket. Once safely there (thank goodness) they covered me in veils and
blankets and flowers.
***
It was an interesting perspective being a funeral director
(even with a very open mind) in a room full of people discussing an option to
funerals that essentially eliminates my field. Granted, not everyone is willing
or able to have a home funeral. There will always be people that prefer the
involvement of my industry. In spite of
this, I quite enjoyed the motivation of the people in the room. They genuinely
wanted to be involved in the funeral process of their loved ones. I realized
that I want the same thing for my family. I want to be actively involved in the
care of my loved ones and I want them to be involved in my care (if they’re
able). I truly believe that bringing death closer home and being more involved
will begin to shift the perspective of death. It will begin to pull away the
veils of fear that we have been taught. I hope that the funeral industry and
the home funeral advocates will learn to create a partnership. There is information
that we have and strategies, tricks we use that can be of benefit to home care.
For example, I wouldn’t want any
grieving person to have to take on the task of filing a Death Certificate and it’s
not necessary to fight with an uncooperative hospital when you can have a
funeral director bring your loved one home without any extra stress to the
family.
***
Resources-Green Conservation Cemeteries-
Reading List
Sacred Dying: Creating
Rituals for Embracing the End of Life
by Megory Anderson
by Megory Anderson
The Perfect Stranger’s
Guide to Funeral & Grieving Practices
by Stuart M. Matlins
by Stuart M. Matlins
Final Rights:
Reclaiming the American Way of Death
by Joshua Slocum & Lisa Carlson
by Joshua Slocum & Lisa Carlson
Films
A Family Undertaking
Available on Netflix
Available on Netflix
